Smashing patriarchy daily.

Whew, what a crazy fucking week! I spontaneously bought a ticket to Mexico City to visit Jonathan and spent the week there and in Veracruz. It was exactly what I needed–to get away from my life here and get some real perspective.

Mexico City is a lot like New York City, which surprised me. I didn’t expect it to be so metropolitan! It definitely defied my expectations that it would be a massive desert full of vaqueros. It’s actually very lush and it was cold and rainy most of the time. We drank tons of tequila, $1 Coronas, and ate huge meals for cheap. Stayed in some great/seedy hostels too–one of which had free porn and a mirrored ceiling! My favorite thing was the marketplaces where you could get fresh blended juices… carrot, pineapple, and orange… sooooo good.

We wandered around the city, found ourselves at a goth/punk club called Ute, went to a political cartoon museum, saw the Antony Gormley exhibit, then took the bus down to Veracruz to see the beach. There we stopped at San Juan de Ulúa, the ruins of a Spanish naval complete with towers, dungeons, barracks. We then headed to the beach where we were harassed to buy things constantly. It’s crazy how much solicitation there is in Mexico. Young children will come up to you trying to sell you cigars, old women try to read your fortune… it’s constant.

At night we wandered to the bars to watch fútbol and have some beers. We made some friends, danced to reggaetón, and eventually ended up buying weed out of a taxi in el barrio for only $3 pesos. I’m pretty sure we narrowly avoided death. I was yelling “pinche gobierno!” out the window and generally being drunk and out of control.

The next day we took the bus to Boca del Río and laid on the beach all day drinking coconut milk. Then we headed back to the city. Had the most amazing Lebanese food (in Mexico of all places). Got high and watched Bad Santa which was ridiculous. The next day I hopped a plane home, but had issues getting through security. Apparently a woman traveling to Mexico alone for 6 days is… suspect. I’m really glad I didn’t try to smuggle that weed into the U.S. because they absolutely scoured my things and asked me dozens of personal questions.

Overall it was a frivolous, hedonistic, expensive-as-hell trip, but it really made me appreciate what I have back at home. I just needed it so bad.

The day I got home was the Around the World Party at House of Commons. Basically, every housemate themes out their room and we travel from room to room drinking and playing games and having a good ol’ time. This year my room was a titty bar and everyone had to do pole tricks and body shots! Some other favorites were the hockey room complete with brooms and a tennis ball, as well as the dungeon where Mistress Becca spanked me for being a naughty house treasurer. We all ended up naked in the pool, at which point I stopped taking photos (thank fuck). I made out with a handful of people, some that I’m not so proud of. Incriminating photos found below.

You’re so good. I don’t want to touch you–I’ll turn you into a terrible person. My negative energy, my self-loathing, it will rub off on you… you’re too good of a person to be with me. Yet for some reason you’re laying here in my bed.

I open my legs and I’m vulnerable. This human being takes over my whole body, breaking, entering, and taking what’s mine… but I want to give it away. You can have it. I’m not completely alive unless I’m being fucked.

It seems artificial because there are no expectations and no obligations… but maybe that’s what makes it the most real human connection of all. Trembling hips, contracting muscles, force and submission, giving in, letting go, purging my self-hatred. There are absolutely no needs and nothing owed. Just pure physical and mental ecstasy, experienced only through this erratic, seemingly haphazard grinding movement, this unlikely fusion of bodies.

I want more, but I’ll settle for sex… because I don’t deserve anything else.

As women we are supposed to be ashamed of our sexuality. We’ve been taught to be discriminating in our sexual choices, as if our gender’s sex were something to be placed on a pedestal, something sacred, a rare gift. Conversely, men are supposed to be “programmed” to want sex constantly, and therefore their sexual promiscuity is honored. These cultural expectations are clearly unfair and I want nothing to do with them. I’m slowly shedding these antiquated ideas. It’s become a point of pride for me to have amazing one-night-stands without regret. I consider them small accomplishments–notches under my belt, if you will.

I’ve got a handful of crushes at the moment, both male and female, and it feels wonderful. More sex, fewer relationships–that’s been my mindset lately. I’ve been in serious relationships continuously since the young age of 14. It’s time for me to experiment and have some fun, without any sort of commitment. I even have a “To Fuck” list stored in my Blackberry at the moment

This is not to say that I don’t protect myself. I’ve always been a condom Nazi, ever since my dad showed me the “condom drawer” in his dresser, which we shared for most of my teenage years. Speaking of which, I found out that my grandma’s recent surgery to remove her cervical cancer wasn’t entirely effective. This means the cancer may be spreading, which absolutely breaks my heart. I love my grandmother so much and I’ve never had to deal with something so emotionally heavy. She contracted HPV several years ago which eventually developed into cancer. I’m still on the fence about the Gardisil vaccine because I’ve heard horror stories about women getting violently ill from it. But wow, HPV is so common these days… and it can be fatal. I’m going to Houston next weekend to visit her and make sure she’s doing well. I want her to be happy and healthy more than anything right now.

A less depressing topic: District 9. OMGZ. Best movie of the year, hands down. I was so impressed with the social commentary, the visuals (I believe it was shot on the RED), and the acting! What a heavy film, with serious genocidal implications. It reminded me of the Holocaust at times. The film essentially described the many ways in which human beings oppress and dehumanize each other. Moon comes in as a close second for this summer. Plus I want to bang Sam Rockwell.

I also started watching Mad Men and I can’t quite decide how I feel about it yet. I understand that the blatant racism, sexism, and homophobia is supposed to be a critique of the era, but I’m still not sure that that comes across in a responsible way. I also dislike the female characters and I’m hoping that one of them shows a tougher more dynamic side, and soon!

Well, I need to crash hard. Another 14 hour day on set tomorrow. This hell is almost over!

I’ve been thinking about how interesting it is the way I can easily move between my role on film sets versus my role in my daily life. On set I dress down, I don’t wear makeup, I lift heavy shit, I put together equipment, and I’m just “one of the guys” if you will. Outside of that world I’m (believe it or not) extremely feminine. For example: I fucking love dresses. I would wear a beautiful dress every day if it were up to me. I dance on a pole. I flaunt my female sexuality. But on set I am a dirty, sweaty, tough little lady. It’s strange the way a person can easily move between seemingly opposing gender roles. It makes you think.

I might be going to San Miguel, Mexico next week. Jonathan invited me to come along but I can’t make up my mind! It seems dangerous but exciting. Eep!

The past two weeks have been a whirlwind of emotions, changes, major life events, and overall shock. I’ve been having a lot of self-realizations: everything that I’ve been suppressing for the past several years is now spilling out of me.

I can’t depend on other people to fuel my ego and make me “happy”. I can’t keep up this dominance act. I truly want equality in my relationships from this point forward. Underneath the tough front that I put up, I’m actually a lot weaker than I thought. It’s all rooted in fear.

First things first: I closed on my house! I now legally own property in the state of Texas. The place is adorable. 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, and 2 living areas. Huge backyard. Right in the middle of Hyde Park. I’ve got a couple guys moving in this week and I really hope they’re cool…ish. I’m worried they might be college bro’s! Either way, I’ll be earning $2,100 a month on the place. That income will allow me to work for free on film sets for a while, until I can land a gig that pays.

Beyond that, a few of us finally moved back into House of Commons. It’s so nice to have a place to call home again and I’m super stoked on my room! We had all been homeless for so long and it’s so beautiful to have our community back together again. I’m going to install my new X Pole this afternoon. Pictures soon.

The Sunken Garden shoot is going really well. I got to be Assistant Camera the other day which was really informative. I got to see/touch/learn more about the RED Camera. She’s gorgeous.

Anyway, here are some photos from the other night at the Cathedral of Junk. That night we referred to it as the Cathedral of Drunk.

These guys have gotten me through the past few days and I owe them a lot. I’m so lucky to have them in my life and they are very dear to me.

Today is my 22nd birthday. It feels sort of strange. I’m growing up and finally becoming an adult. We’re gonna do laser tag tonight and I’m gonna OWN.

Taylor and I broke up. I’m not sure how I feel about it yet so I’m not going to post anything about it until I do.

FYI, the name of the film has been changed to Sunken Garden. I’m now the 2nd Assistant Director. FUCK YES. We’ll be shooting for the next month or so if anyone’s interested in helping out.

I WANT NOTHING MORE THAN TO SEE MOON THIS WEEKEND! SCI-FI RULES!

I have a confession to make: I’m obsessed with the HBO series True Blood. The show has all of the elements I need: it’s witty, hypersexual, gruesome, and extremely progressive. However, what’s most satisfyingly shocking is the way in which the show promotes a gay agenda. The subtext of the show creates a link between vampires and the gay community. For example, the vampires in this world are tired of hiding from society and pretending to be something they’re not, so they have decided to “come out” (as they refer to it on the show). This has created an uproar from the religious right who claim that the vampires are less-than-human and will taint their children and the church. On the other side, the left adamantly defends these creatures, insisting that they deserve the same civil rights as humans. Further, there is some hinting at the legalization of human/vampire marriage (ahem–remind you of any current political battles?). Another bold move is the fact that there is a gay, black character, Lafayette, who shares an onscreen interracial kiss with one of his “clients” in Season 1. This is pretty groundbreaking stuff, considering the mainstream’s usual heteronormative leanings.

Now this is all well and great, but what of a feminist agenda? Unfortunately, the show doesn’t have one–at least not from what I’ve seen. One issue I have is the show’s treatment of women, particularly the principal character Sookie. Unlike her feminist predecessor Buffy who was intelligent, sexy, and kicked ass,  Sookie is only sexy and… well, helpless. In fact, she has two men constantly competing for her attention, all-the-while trying to “protect” her (and her innocence?) from the supernatural world that they inhabit. Sure, she has mind-reading capabilities, but physically she is useless.

Another problem I see is the extensive focus the show places on Sookie’s virginity (and loss thereof). Sookie falls for Bill, a vampire who is 150 years her senior, and much of the kink on the show comes from the sexual tension between the two. Now believe me, I find that aspect to be quite a turn on. It’s just that Bill is such a traditional protector and father figure that he hardly gives Sookie a chance to think and act for herself.

As a feminist I’m often torn by these situations. While I enjoy the show and it’s subversive commentary, I still dislike the vulnerability of the main female character. Perhaps this will change as the series unravels, but something tells me it won’t. A’la Twilight.

I feel like things are coming together somewhat for me. The film industry is such an awkward thing to jump into, and requires a lot of working for free, but I feel like I’m finding my footing. On top of that, the Austin scene is so small! It’s cool that it’s such a tight-knit community but it seems like I know everyone on set every time I start a new production.

The Barton Springs shoot (now being called Sunken Garden) is off to a great start. We shot at Daily Juice on Friday and J.Kelly’s BBQ today. The crew seems to be very calm and under control and there is little pretension. In addition to my (ir)regular PA duties, I also took on the responsibility of location scouting. However, I decided to discuss the possibility of stepping up in rank with the 1st AD. We recently lost our 2nd AD and I was hoping that I might be able to take her position since I’m willing to dedicate the time and commitment required. He said he would consider it and he wants me to begin helping him in the production office. I’m really excited about dedicating the rest of my summer toward this project and I have a feeling it will pay off in the long run.

So, I moved out of the H.M.S. Hazard and into Taylor’s apartment until House of Commons is ready in late August. It kind of scares me because it’s a big step but it’s also temporary which relieves some of my anxieties about it. I will never live with a boyfriend again–I experienced it when I was 17 and I’m totally done with any permanent sort of situation.

Well, I’m going to watch some cartoons and go to sleep. Shooting again in the morning!

Well, I’ll be working as a P.A. on Jennifer Delia’s short film called Billy Bates for the next 5 days. 12 hours a day. With 3 overnights. Jesus fuck.

I also got hired as a P.A. on the upcoming feature film Barton Springs directed by John Fiege. It will be a 10 week shoot, so I’ll be busting ass for the rest of the summer.

So much for vacations.

I’m also looking around at houses to buy and I put in several offers last week. I can’t wait to be able to say that I OWN something.

P.S. I love mah boyfran.

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